Friday, July 30, 2010

The Cat and the Bag

Yesterday I went to the post office and mailed off one of my books. I can't tell who I mailed it to, because it seems like that might be tempting fate or daring God, and because, for the moment, it's nothing more than a book in the mail.

Still, I stood there and watched the mail lady take it and dump it in a big bin behind her, and I thought, That package might change my life.

You know that feeling, when you are standing in a room full of people who look like they are all ordinary people, and you look like you're ordinary, and yet you have a secret no one can know... a secret that is about to change your life.

I felt that way when I first found out I was pregnant and we weren't telling people until we thought it was safe, and so I went around my little world carrying my future inside me and thinking, "Nothing is going to be the same," and yet everyone else thought life was going on as normal.

I felt that way the first time I put a manuscript in the mail for an agent - even for the first time I sent a query. Thinking: this could be it. This could be the one email that changes everything for me.

I feel that way now. Like I am standing on the cusp of something that might be nothing, but might be something. Might be something very, very big. It is somewhere between the less than certainty of a query and the very certain certainty of the baby. It is still a dream, a hope, a wild fluttering in my heart if I think too much. It is possibility. It could change everything in my life. Or it could only change somethings in my life. It could lead to other things. Or it could just be a book in the mail.

But until I know if it is something or not, I have to smile and nod and drink my coffee and wash the dishes and answer emails and vacuum the floors.

Because for now, everything is just the same.

For now.


  1. You are so great with words, Heidi. I needed your post today. Thank you.

  2. Good luck with that. I'm sure it will all work out for the best.


  3. Well, we'll be here when and if you can tell us the rest of the story :) But it sounds like a big moment for you and it's nice to share in on some of your feelings. Have a great day!

  4. I know that feeling. The feeling that you've just turned a corner, and while everything still looks the same, very soon it could all change and there's never any going back.

    Hoping for the best for you!

  5. Many things are like that.
    We don't tell until the time is right. I hope it is good for you..:)

  6. Scrunching my eyes shut and grinning with anticipation...

  7. Love this. I'm okay with you keeping us 'hanging.' Just like waiting to tell of baby news, the news seems so much sweeter when uttered at the perfect time. There's a perfect time for everything. Even vacuuming.

  8. Wow! I am dying to know. Okay, since the Oprah show seems unlikely. I am going to guess... possible movie deal for Some Kind of Normal?

  9. I love this post, Heidi. That secret knowing is such a powerful feeling and you described it so beautifully!