Sunday, September 7, 2014

Chaos

 (I wrote this blog post sitting in the car waiting for my daughter just a little over a week ago. It seems fitting that I couldn't post it here until now... because things have been so chaotic.)



Sometimes I feel like life is blowing up around me. I wake to the house rocking and shaking, the toiletry items falling off shelves. I walk through a maze of bricks and upheaved trees and mounds of red clay, the driveway under rubble. Our kitchen and stairs are tracked with a thick white layer of dust that won't go away, no matter how often I vacuum and mop.

I don't even live in California anymore. I live in a home being renovated. And while I knew it would be difficult, while I know what it will be is worth the what it is now, I can feel my heart clenching, my blood pounding under the stress of the chaos.

Everything is chaos now. Not just the house, which has parts of the roof ripped clean off so that you can stand in a room and stare up at the stars at night, but life in general is void of the order and routine I thrive on.

Summer is usually a bit lacking in constants, but this year has been worse. Three kids, three different schedules, three different sets of activities, and I find myself most often in the car, a hundred miles a day under my belt going no further than twelve miles from my house. Back and forth, pick one up, drop one off, trying to figure out where to fit buying more milk and eggs into the equation, nearly running out of gas because the gas station is not on the way to anywhere my kids go. And other people love this kind of craziness, but my stress levels are going up and the sight of more white cement dust and red mud tracked through the foyer is about to send my blood busting out the ends of my fingertips and tips of my hair, my face in a perpetual frozen state of The Scream.

I think part of my less-than-loving attitude about all of this is that I'm not involved anymore. Summers are usually are time to reconnect as a family. During the school year, the kids are out all day, home only long enough to do homework and drop into bed, exhausted. But the summer is OUR time. Time when we get to go hang out at the pool together, do crafts together, obsess over tv shows together, go explore DC and the zoo and museums, have picnics, go to restaurants and laze over milk shakes and burgers.

But now, I'm just the chauffeur and cheerleader. I'm the alarm clock in the morning, the laundrymat for their muddy, stinky, sunblock-smelling clothes. I buy the cases of water on one end of town and drop it off at camp at the other end. I fix breakfast and pack lunches and somehow try to squeeze in a homemade dinner that is well-balanced enough to replenish the kids' energy before they drop into bed.


I am with my kids in some form all day, but I miss them. I miss when summer meant you got to kick off the high-stress, packed days of the school year and sleep in, hike along the creek, lay in the sun reading books, stay up late and watch movies together and build forts in their rooms and watch the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling until they went dim.

I miss writing. I've hardly written at all this summer. This summer, when my novel was absolutely, positively, without excuses going to be finished. I haven't even read much. No time during the day, too tired at night, a few books started but not that made me want to finish them.

All the magic has leaked out.

And yet...

I watch my daughter from the car where I am waiting for her. Her head is thrown back in laughter, surrounded by a group of equally giggling girls she hadn't known three weeks ago. She's found her place in the high school before the year has even started, happier than she's been in ages.

My son bounds to the car, asking if he can go with the guys to buy balloons and back to a friend's to spend the next hour filling them because his drumline is totally going to demolish the brass section tomorrow at the afternoon battle. I agree, because percussion rules, and I know this.

Parents stop to ask if I'll be there for the football game, if my youngest is going to help this year, too. Yes, I say, pointing to my youngest in the back seat, already decked out in her band helper t-shirt, a week early. We wouldn't miss it for the world.

Summer will end and routine will come back. The house will eventually be finished, the dust settled, the multitude of cars cramming our drive gone on to another project. I'll find time to write again. I'll probably still be in the car too much. But that's okay. My kids are there with me - most of the time my oldest now driving. And we'll crank up the radio and we'll sing along, and we'll talk about books and kids at school and band and art and politics, and everyone will be talking all at the same time, and it will be chaotic, but I will love it. This is the kind of chaos I can love.

We will eat on the run again, but together, and we'll go separate ways one last time before the summer ends and school begins. But there's one weekend left - one glorious weekend where we all will be home, after the crazy summer schedules and before the still-crazy school schedules. Maybe we'll fire up the fire pit. Maybe we'll roast some s'mores. And as long as the garage has no roof, we might as well just lay out there and watch the stars. The real ones. And maybe, if we can find a sliver of time, we might just build a fort under them.

9 comments:

  1. Heidi, this is so beautifully written. I can actually feel the chaos in your words, and then the switch to freedom and relaxation in the second half of the post. WOW, my friend. So well done.

    I don't know how you handle running around so much...I'm afraid I might go crazy. Just taking my daughter to school,and picking her up every day wears me out. But I hope this year goes splendidly for your family and that the renovation is done in record time!

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    1. Thank you, Melissa! I almost didn't post this! I have so many of these musings about how crazy life is and how I am barely hanging on and how much my kids are changing, and then I don't post because it feels somehow like I am complaining, and it's not about writing, and I think, "Who in the world would want to read this?"
      I think writing these, though, helps me put things into perspective. I wonder sometime if this is how David wrote his psalms.... starting off with the "Woe is me" and finding his way to the "God is faithful." My psalms are just more wordy. :)
      Thanks so much for stopping by! I'm missed checking in on you! I'll have to make a point to be better at that!

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  2. This brought a tear to my eye. I love this. On one hand, I remember when we first "met" and you were writing at the pool during the summer. Or while Addy was in pre-school? (Was it pre-school?!) And I read your words - I find some sense of solidarity in them. I have felt like I've been careening off the rails for months. I don't take it as complaining - it's truth. And I love it.

    The only thing I can say is - some of the best conversations and bonding moments we have had with our mother - was when we were in the car. And I try to do the same with Braden. And the fact that your oldest now helps with the driving....makes me remember years ago when that seemed so far in the future. That change...that transition...that chaos - is Life. And as frustrating as it is - we love it. And what I see there, in that post, is a fantastic mother - giving of everything - and three awesome kids who are blessed.

    I love this post. I need to favorite it somehow.

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    1. You make me teary, Brit. I can't believe how long we've known each other, how much we've been through, and watching our kids grow is such a big measurement of that. I am so glad you are back blogging. Now I need to keep up!

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  3. Wishing you moments of peace in the midst of the chaos. I find the magic can often sneak up on us when we're not expecting it. Also, shorter projects can be very re-charging. You have some great material in this post that could easily become a personal essay (think Chicken Soup anthology) or a funny/profound short story.

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    1. Thank you, Laurel! Peace in the midst of chaos... I think definitely a God thing! :) I've thought about doing small projects. I have two sitting on my desktop waiting to be sent out and I can't even do that. Maybe I need to make that a priority just to feel like I'm doing something in the writing world! I'm not sure about personal essays... I wouldn't even know how to go about making this something someone would want to publish, or where to send it if I did. Sigh. So much to learn!

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  4. I totally know what you mean. It gets worse as they get older and get jobs and can't go on family vacation. It makes me all kinds of sad to see them growing up so fast. I hope your renovations go smoothly and you get back to some kind of balance.

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    1. We were commenting this summer how this might be our last summer family vacation, and how hard all of that is going to be with Ian so close to college. It feels we are on the brink of major changes, and that makes me so sad.

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