Thursday, September 27, 2012

The End of Hiding Out



Almost two years ago to the day I received a call inviting me to join the Pacific University MFA program.

Two years. It's been both a blink of the eye and a lifetime ago. I remember getting the call and thinking life was about to get crazy, change drastically. I remember thinking that two years, 80 books read, a book written, five residencies seemed like an eternity away.

And here it is. Almost done. I've only one book left to read. In six week, my thesis will be signed off on and off to the binders. I will have plane tickets to my last residency, where I'll walk through the Portland Airport one last time, check into the hotel by the ocean one last time, see my amazing friends and writers and faculty members one last time.

It all makes me feel sad and panicky inside - like something truly fantastic is coming to an end.

What will life be like after?

I realized this week that I've used this program in exactly the way I intended to - as an escape from the publishing world for a little while. Funny, you'd think a writing program would put you more in the publishing world. For some, it has. For some who have only written as a hobby, it has opened their eyes to things they knew little about before: query letters and agents and submissions and publishing stats.

For me, I knew all of that. Been burned out by it. Tired by it. Frustrated by it. Disillusioned. There is, at the beginning of a writing career, a dream. Reality is, as it always is, harsher. Still great, but great in different ways than you expect, and not as great in ways you never saw coming.

I needed to get out of that. Needed to stop thinking about publishing and statistics and competition so much and think again about writing.  In a really tough time in my life, I needed to remember why I do this, and give myself a jump start into a new phase.

So I hid out in the program, and poured myself into writing... just writing. Falling in love with writing again. With stories and characters and ideas and the feel of the words on the page. It was hard. Sometimes I didn't love it as much as I thought I should. Growth is like that. Growing pains are... well... painful.

But I've realized lately, especially as I think of this coming to an end, that I love writing like breathing. It has become every fiber of me. It is what I most want to be doing. When I'm not doing it, I wish I was. When I hate it, I still love it. When I am struggling to get it right, it's because I love it so much that I struggle.

Each story I send to my advisor I say, "I really want to get this one right. This one's important to me." And I expect him to write back and say, "You say that about all of them." But he doesn't, and I suspect that's because he feels that too - that every story is important to get right. Every story hits close to home in some way. Every character is part of your heart in some way and deserves a story worthy of them.

And now... now the end is just about here. And it's time to leave the cocoon I've made for myself. Time to get back into reading blogs and articles about publishing and find out what's going on in the world again. It is an entirely different publishing world than I knew two years ago. Big publishers are less in favor, ebooks are sky-rocketing, self-publishing is much more acceptable a path to take, and authors seem to be grabbing control of their destiny more than ever. It boggles my mind. There is so much new to learn - more decisions to make in terms of what I want to do with my writing.

So on that note, dear bloggers, tell me what I've missed. What blogs should I be reading? What news should I know? What are YOU thinking of this evolving world of publishing?

15 comments:

  1. Y'know, I wouldn't mind being in a cocoon away from the publishing/agent stuff for awhile and focus solely on writing. I try to do that - but it's hard when I want so badly to be traditionally published. I'm glad you were able to take that time and fall in love with writing again. :)

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    1. I am extremely fortunate to have had the time away. I didn't know how it would be possibly, but I realize it's a gift most don't get. Wouldn't it be nice to just focus on writing, and have the other stuff just take care of itself? :)

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  2. Well, you should read my blog, of course. I've actually written a couple posts! :)

    I've yet to get to the point of worrying about the world of publishing, as my biggest worries are about actually finishing this novel.

    Congratulations to you on accomplishing this MFA. How great is it when hard work pays off like that?

    Paul

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    1. I've missed reading blogs all the time! I feel in the dark about everyone's lives!

      Enjoy the writing process for now. The publication worries will come in due time. This, where you are, is the fun stuff. :)

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  3. I've missed your thought provoking blogs and I especially loved this line. When I hate it, I still love it. Because that's exactly how I feel. I tried taking a break, but I really miss it. It's easy to get discouraged when I think about publishing and query letters, and trying to get everything perfect. It would be nice just to write because I'm excited about the story. I miss those days when I was so naive.

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    1. I miss those days, too, Patti. I watch people in the MFA program who are all starry-eyed about it all, and I SO WISH I could feel that way again - where it all seemed entirely possibly and inevitable, where all you had to do was write really well and you'd get an agent and then a publisher and next thing you know you are doing book signings all over the country. My dreams are smaller now, and that saddens me. Maybe time to find a way to make them bigger.

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  4. I've been in France for the past 6 weeks. It's been quite an adventure and life-editing. There is definitely a story/book in this trip and the things that happened during it. For the first time I am faithfully recording my thoughts in a pretty little writing book in bought in North America before leaving for Paris. So for the foreseeable future my blog will be about all things French that I've seen and experienced.

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    1. Wow Roxanne! Good for you! How exciting!! I look forward to seeing more of your French posts. I'm sure you have TONS to write about!!

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  5. Hey, Heidi, I'm so excited for you to be finishing up your grad program! Congrats!! And I also wanted to say a HUGE thank you for reading and endorsing my novel in the midst of finishing up your thesis. You are amazing!

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    1. Reading Never Gone was like a breath of fresh air in the middle of heavy August humidity. :) I thoroughly enjoyed it, and am so honored you thought to let me read it.

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  6. You're almost done! That's so exciting. I'm as about of the blogging/publishing loop as you are. But I have been writing more. And having more babies. Keeps me busy. :) What are your plans for the book you wrote during your MFA?

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    1. Babies do take a lot of time! :)

      I don't have a "book" per se. I spent a year working on revising a book I decided to put away for a while. My writing has changed so much I think if I want to keep it, I'm going to have to start the revising from scratch with a blank page. So now I have a short story collection, but I'm not sure any of it is worth sending out. I may try after graduation, with some small lit mags. Then, it's back to novels!

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  7. What an amazing journey. Just the thought of taking something that huge on terrifies me and yet seems to exciting. Wow. Kudos on finding that center -- it is not an easy thing to do. :)

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    1. Thanks, Tess. It has been amazing. I feel so unbelievably lucky to have gotten this chance. The thing that terrifies me is the next step.... what now? :)

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  8. Two years already? I feel like I just read your blog post announcing the start of this journey you have been on! Congratulations on how far you have come. And thank you for sharing your journey. I'm just re-entering the world of blogging after a 10 month haitus (except for my photography blog) so just catching up on those I faithfully followed has been full of learning.

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