I meant to write while I was in Oregon, but the hours got away from me, and the times I had to write I realized I couldn't put into words what I wanted to say.
I feel that way now. That there really aren't the words to explain what happened there.
I'm half-way through this program, but not nearly where I want to be. My writing lacks focus, lacks beautiful words and startling language. Lacks great ideas and simple significance. I make all the mistakes I know not to, and then can't even see that I've made them. I've read 48 books, but it never seems like enough.
The craft talks send my mind spinning. I can see all the possible ways to implement ideas into my writing, but then can't seem to actually do it, or at least not do it well.
I feel like I need to work harder. Work longer. Produce more work. Make that work better.
It's good, sometimes, to have that fire lit underneath you. To be surrounded with people better than you. One of my workshop leaders, Laura Hendrie, told us to to immerse ourselves in excellence. "Read good works so you know what good writing is. If you read things better than you are, you set the bar higher than where you are."
So that's where I am heading into my essay semester, the prelude to my thesis semester. I am, for the moment, putting my novel as my side project and concurrently working on new material. I am working with Pete Fromm this semester, and beyond thrilled about that. Before beginning this program, his novels were the first I read, and I fell in love with both the stories and the writing. I had the pleasure at residency to read more of his work, and it's the kind of writing you just want to sit inside and absorb. He has the reputation of being a tough advisor – not brutal, but honest and demanding – and I really want that at this point. I anticipate the next months being difficult, but in that growing, stretching, learning kind of way I'm craving.
In all the years I've been at this blog, I've never taken an official blog break, but over the past year my posts have definitely thinned. I wish I could be here more often, be at your blogs, emailing all of you dear friends and encouraging you. But for the next months, I will probably be tucking in, head down, trying to find my way to that place I want to be. I'll be thinking of you, and hoping you find your way there yourselves.
"My writing lacks focus, lacks beautiful words and startling language. Lacks great ideas and simple significance. I make all the mistakes I know not to, and then can't even see that I've made them. I've read 48 books, but it never seems like enough.
ReplyDeleteThe craft talks send my mind spinning. I can see all the possible ways to implement ideas into my writing, but then can't seem to actually do it, or at least not do it well.
I feel like I need to work harder. Work longer. Produce more work. Make that work better."
Did you crawl inside my head and write this? ;-) Because that's exactly how I feel. I feel like I can do so much more, but it's just not THERE right now. I'm struggling, too, and it's so frustrating.
I wish you lots of luck for this next semester!
I think the best writing advice I've ever gotten - and the advice I go back to when I think everything I write will be crap is - write the story you have to write. The one that won't let you go. The one whose voices won't leave you alone.
ReplyDeleteAlso. If YOU think your writing isn't good enough, the rest of us are absolute hacks, lol.
Good luck next semester!!
Your sentence about the craft talk sends my mind spinning, totally explains how I feel.
ReplyDeleteI read all these craft books, blogs and advice on how to write better, but I can't seem to implement it in my own writing. I guess like you said, I just need to work harder.
Good luck with your writing. I hope you come up for air once in a while so we can hear about how you're doing.
You do what you must do!!!
ReplyDeleteI think this is the kind of thing though that can mess with your head. You're working and trying so hard, and all sense of objectivity -what little any of us have in the first place with out own work - is gone.
You're going to do well because you are already fantastic!
It's important to realize ALL artists feel this way from time to time. It is what spurs us to create our best. Take a break, yes .. those are good. But I look forward to your return and to hearing more about your future novels.
ReplyDeleteYour writing comes before the blog, so please don't hesitate to stay away as long as you need. And I'll bet your work is improving more than you think. Take care. ;-)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Tess. It's both inspiring and intimidating being around such great writers. I'm hoping it's spurring me on rather than demotivating me. :)
ReplyDeleteThe blogging... I love it. But it takes valuable time. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance it all. I'm sure you know that feeling!
Heidi, I think many of us feel the exact same way as you've described when it comes to our writing. There is so much wonderful advice and such amazing writing out there--it actually gets overwhelming and...paralyzing. But we shove those thoughts aside, sit down at our keyboards and keep at it!
ReplyDeleteAnd for what it's worth, I believe your writing already has focus, beautiful words and startling language. Good luck as you move forward!
I remember when I just used the auto setting on my camera and believed my pictures were good! Then I got curious about all those other buttons, and two classes and 2000 plus pictures later, all my photos appeared out of focus and distorted. But I knew a lot more about how to use my camera! It just took me some time to figure out how to merge the technology with my creativity, and create the results my mind saw.
ReplyDeleteYou're are on the right road, making progress! And am with Holly; for all it's worth, I see focus and beauty in your writing now too.
I can only imagine the pressure.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to say this but please don't take it as minimizing what you are going through because it's way tougher than I'll ever do as a writer. It seems to me you are putting a crazy amount of pressure on yourself. Don't lose your confidence, though. Don't for a moment think you aren't a good enough writer because you are. That has already been proven.
Don't let the self-doubt win. Trust your voice and you will get through.
I've been gone so long you changed your website. Anyway, don't give up or feel discouraged. You're going to emerge from this with amazing writing skills. Good luck.
ReplyDelete